While visiting a spa is as old as the word 'indulgence', it's relatively new to design programmes for couples. Traditionally, you picture spas catering for women wishing to relax, get pampered and gossip acerbically about their husbands (or the men shortly to become their ex-husbands). However, someone had the idea that lying in a frothing Jacuzzi with your wife or girlfriend might make a pleasant change from grimly sitting side by side on your sagging sofa wordlessly watching endless docu-soaps until your relationship seeps away into the carpet. Thus, the concept of the couple's break was born, and the next thing you know, my girlfriend and I are heading off to test one to destruction.
Seaham Hall, in its own 37-acre estate, was built in the late 18th-century. We're shown to our room by John, the kind of down-to-earth character I worry may one day disappear because of the homogenisation of commercial hospitality culture. To my German girlfriend, his Geordie accent is a thing of wonder - simultaneously fascinating and baffling. As he carries our bags up, he nods at the room next to ours. "Lord Byron got married in there," he says. Then adds in a conspiratorial whisper: "It didn't last, mind."
Beside the hall is the Serenity spa, linked to the hotel by an underground tunnel. I had Cluedo-esque visions (angling a book in the library to reveal a corridor through which one might escape, nursing a murderous spanner), but in fact it's a softly-lit passageway lined with tinkling streams that segues the mind into the Japanese-themed spa at the other end. As with the hotel, the members of staff are all so friendly, it's hard to believe you're only 250 miles from London. They all dress in identical, oriental-style outfits, and move around like ninja therapists, building a sense of silent efficiency. My first treatment - and, indeed, the first treatment I've ever had - is an Indian Head Massage. I'm apprehensive to be stepping, sockless, across the threshold into this unknown and exotic World of Spa. When I'm told that the session will end with a chakra rebalancing, I upgrade from 'apprehensive' to 'petrified'. However, it turns out to be a head and back rub that leaves me as relaxed as I could get without snoring. There's an interesting thing about being kneaded by a stranger - which becomes obvious later, when my girlfriend and I, lying on adjacent tables, are given full-body massages.
Now call me old-fashioned, but, if I'm going to enjoy female hands expertly running over my skin, I prefer that my girlfriend is right there next to me. I know that this is a statement which, taken out of context, could result in my sleeping on the sofa for two weeks, but my girlfriend being in the room removes any sexual element from it.
Other treatments follow - facials, for example. While they are enjoyable, they do highlight a male/female division. Several times, my girlfriend comments on how lovely her skin feels, and asks if I have the same sensation. My reply is always "Umm". I am conscious of my skin, as I am of, say, my eyeballs - only if it hurts. Were I constantly aware of my own skin, I would go insane. (I now understand why my girlfriend, for no reason I can grasp, sometimes goes insane.) When not being treated, we eat in one of Seaham's restaurants. Ozone in the spa specialises in Thai food, while The White Room in the hotel is deeply swanky: the waiter tells the story of each dish as he brings it to the table.
On the last day, a personal trainer sets the task of seeing which muscles I need to work on. These are soon identified as "the ones on my body". While I'm pumping iron (or, rather, wheezing over it), my girlfriend has her hair done. She returns to tell me she "feels beautiful". I'd like to tell her how I feel, but I have no breath left. Finally, we have a Rasul. This involves my girlfriend and me, naked, in a steam room, rubbing warm mud over each other. It is - incredibly - even more fun than it sounds. We leave Seaham chilled, softened, and smelling quite lovely. The great thing about a couples' spa break is how soothingly it gives you the chance to enjoy being a couple: to savour what you have, while being gently stroked.
Mil Millington's Love and Other Near Death Experiences is out now in paperback (Phoenix, £6.99). High Life was a guest at Seaham Hall Hotel (Lord Byron's Walk, Seaham, County Durham, United Kingdom. Tel: +44 (0)191 516 1400; seaham-hall.com).
